The foul art of MANism.

As a young male, I constantly wonder at what age I officially become a man. The determination of manism, as I like to refer to it as , can get fuzzy with all of the contradicting traditions. Does a boy become a man when he becomes 18 and is legally able to buy magazines that he must hide at the bottom of his sock drawer? Is this transformation dictated by age at all? Mike Tyson has already disproved the voice change method and I'm sure he'll let you know if you question his manism. The African traditions make it very clear; a face tattoo or drinking the blood of an antelope that you kill with your bare hands, those are the steps to manism. But those traditions don't work well with Peta. Plus Mike Tyson is the only person that can pull off a face tattoo. (Yes, I've referenced Mr. Tyson twice in the first paragraph). One thing is certain, by the time you're done reading this, you will be much more aware of your progress to the state of manism. Women and children feel free to stop reading here, science has already proven you're brains are much smaller and the state of manism requires enormous man brains.

First thing first, to be a man you must be able to improvise and use the tools baby jesus has given you, or big jesus which ever you prefer. Rule 1: If you did not have in your possession a tissue, dirty shirt, or leaf like object (campers only), at least three times in your life, you must have held down one nostril with your index finger and exhaled violently to clear your nose breathing apparatus. It seems gross but if done correctly it is quite efficient. Hands can then be wiped on grass and or the bottom or sides of your shoes.

Rule 2, you must have watched "Back to the Future" the 1985 classic film. You must also be able to recognize Doc Brown, Marty McFly, and a DeLorean. This rule is simple and was determined by a expert panel of judges who unanimously agreed that the 116 minute adventure is essential for manism.

Rule 3 involves looks, normally a man is not judged on looks however, there are some appearance factors. To reach the state of manism one must have had, or attempted to have, a burly man beard on at least three occasions. I chose three because that's how many times I have watched Back to the Future in a 24 hour period. The outcome of the burly man beard attempt is irrelevant due to the fact that some people have an uncontrollable ability to grow patchy facial hair or a massive neck beard which is not ideal. The attempt alone is enough to push you in the direction of manism.
*Note a mustache is not considered a beard! Do not attempt to substitute a mustache for a beard to assume manism, it will not work and may cause your peers to assume you enjoy caressing small children.

The attached photo is Kimbo Slice once internet sensatioin backyard brawler, now professional fighter. Do not feel discouraged because his beard makes you look like Justin Bieber. It's a legitimate man beard.

Rule 3 This rule deals with anatomy. To reach manism, one must have, on numerous occasions, urinated outdoors. The reasons for peeing outdoors may or may not include: bathrooms were being used or unavailable, time constraints (urgent pee), or the simply fact that you have the anatomy that allows it. For the women who, against my recommendation, are still reading this, the rule does not apply to you. It applies to males only because we are higher on the evolutionary chart than you, simple Darwinism. If you happen to be of the female species and have urinated outside more than 3 times, you're gross and a truly hope it got on your shoes.
I do realize there are two rule 3's and I am ok with that because the traditional number system has no place in manism.

Rule 4 The honesty, action, and self-defense clause. The honesty portion of this rule comes into play when someone has something in their teeth, and or in their burly man beard. In manism it is quite ok to point out these incidents to the unaware party. If you feel an awkward sensation just prior to informing them you may not be ready for manism. Try saying something like this: "Excuse me sir/ma'am you have a good portion of your lunch in your beard/teeth." Due to karma, this act of manism kindness will eventually place you on the other end of the situation. In this case it is proper etiquette to firmly thank the informer. Similar rules apply when speaking to someone with bad breath.
The self-defense portion of this rule is only enforced to substitute for another previously unmet rule. Once in your life you must to look another man, of similar statue, directly in the face and then proceed to punch him in the head. This act can follow a string of curse words or offensive gestures, never a push. The punchie must be well deserving of the blow and the outcome of the ensuing fight will not limit or favor you in entering manism.

If while reading this you have had a flashback or loudly stated "indeed," you may well be on your way to becoming a man. There are other rules that may prevent or confirm your manism; but those you must figure out during your journey. To all who have already achieved this status, I solute you.

Grant.