How many times is it necessary to push the “I want to cross the street” button at an intersection?
A) Just once.
B) One hundred and seventy-four times.
C) Don’t touch that fuckin dirty germ covered knob.
D) Just press it as fast as possible until you see the little white “walk” guy.
The correct answer will vary depending on who you ask. However, I wanted to know the true answer so I decided to do a little survey. The participants in my survey will remain anonymous, mainly because I just spied on them creepily while driving my car. The rules to my study were simple, I only counted people if I saw them get to the button and could clearly see their button pushing abilities. I also watched some random people but forgot to count.
My results are as follows:
Ok I’ll level with you, my survey was not very thorough. I only counted 7 people but I’m sure I’ve seen hundreds of button pushers in my day. Five out of the seven pressed the button between 15 and 29 times. Usually in rapid succession. The normal approach for these five people was to quickly approach the “can I cross the street” button, then press the shit out of the button, then stare directly at the little flashing red hand until it transformed into the walking symbol. One person who unknowingly participated in my survey, was an older woman who pressed the button only once. She approached slowly yet confident and her button push was more of a mush with the palm of her wrinkled hand. My analysis of this one push approach was that this lady really didn’t give a shit, she was in no hurry; and even if she was, she wasn’t physically able to walk very fast anyway. The reason she mushed the button instead of pressing it can probably be attributed to some type of arthritis. After her mush she just kinda hung out and looked around.
The final participant in my study was a tall, elder gentleman with a leather bag clenched firmly under his arm. He was attire was half golfer, half old man, and a sprinkle of I’ve been goofy my whole life. He was by far the most reckless of button pushers I have ever witnessed. His long index finger was strong and I could tell he’s pressed millions of buttons; elevators, water fountains, the button in public restrooms that turns on the hand dryer thing, if it was a button this guys was gonna push the fuck out of it. His approach was casual, but there was nothing casual about his “cross the street button” pushing. From the moment he got to the intersection he began jabbing at the button. Easily the fastest button pusher in my study, no contest. He pushed the living shit out of this button. I could tell right away, he was no rookie, his button pushing was sharp, almost too rapid to count even from only feet away. From the time he go to the the button until the light turned green this elder man tapped away at the button. 174 times to be exact. From the looks of it, he could have easily surpassed this number if the light didn’t change. The 174 reps took him right around thirty seconds which is lightning fast even for the most talented button pushers. I guarantee if this guy was on Jeopardy, no one would answer until this guy got his shot and Alex Trebek would probably be pissed. I would have recorded this guy if I would have known the button pushing skills he possessed but I was too busy counting to get to my phone.
After closely analyzing these 7 people it is apparent that multiple presses (over 15) is the most common technique. My study did not included any tests on the cleanliness of the “I want to cross the street” button but I can assure you that that thing is filthy. The amount of homeless man sneezes, palm sweat, coughs, Mormon bike chain grease, Jahova’s witness boogers, and general gross shit on those buttons has to be at an all time high. This is something that you must take into consideration the next time you want to cross a street with a stop light.
I have thought this through time and time again and I believe I have found the perfect technique for intersection button pushing. First of all you must not press the button with your finger tips or palm. As I stated before, that button is a disgusting cesspool of diseases. The best technique is the fist push. I understand you are still putting your skin directly in contact with the germ covered surface but it’s much better than using any other part of your body. Your fist doesn’t really touch anything else on your body so you won’t end up spreading the germs to your face or mouth like you would if you used your finger tips or palm. You also never touch your weenier with your fists, this is the most important place to avoid spreading the repulsive button germs in my opinion. Pressing with a napkin requires too much preparation and you have to find a trash can which is way too inconvenient. The elbow push is effective but makes you look foolish in front of everyone at the intersection; I’d suggest doing this only at empty intersections. So trust me on this one and go with the fist.
Now to answer the main question, how many time do I press the button? The perfect amount of times to press this button is 2.5. The reasons for two instead of one is obvious, if the button doesn’t work the first time the second should do the trick. Now, the 1/2 push is to ensure that the signal is sent in any scenario. Sometimes these buttons get jammed or have weak connection due to overuse or weather or plain shitty engineering. The half push should be done first to un-stick jammed buttons and warm up the connection. This should be followed by the first and second pushes. Worst case scenario, button is jammed and has old shitty wiring. Your initial half push will surely dislodge the stuck button. The first full push will not be received because of the faulty wiring, but the second push will be successful. That’s it, 2.5 no more no less. If the button works at all, 2.5 is all you need. Not only is your button pushing much more effective, it is efficient and you don’t look like that crazy elder man pushing 174 times. To top it all off, you’re not going to get a homeless man’s ball sweat on your fingers.
