The foul art of MANism.

As a young male, I constantly wonder at what age I officially become a man. The determination of manism, as I like to refer to it as , can get fuzzy with all of the contradicting traditions. Does a boy become a man when he becomes 18 and is legally able to buy magazines that he must hide at the bottom of his sock drawer? Is this transformation dictated by age at all? Mike Tyson has already disproved the voice change method and I'm sure he'll let you know if you question his manism. The African traditions make it very clear; a face tattoo or drinking the blood of an antelope that you kill with your bare hands, those are the steps to manism. But those traditions don't work well with Peta. Plus Mike Tyson is the only person that can pull off a face tattoo. (Yes, I've referenced Mr. Tyson twice in the first paragraph). One thing is certain, by the time you're done reading this, you will be much more aware of your progress to the state of manism. Women and children feel free to stop reading here, science has already proven you're brains are much smaller and the state of manism requires enormous man brains.

First thing first, to be a man you must be able to improvise and use the tools baby jesus has given you, or big jesus which ever you prefer. Rule 1: If you did not have in your possession a tissue, dirty shirt, or leaf like object (campers only), at least three times in your life, you must have held down one nostril with your index finger and exhaled violently to clear your nose breathing apparatus. It seems gross but if done correctly it is quite efficient. Hands can then be wiped on grass and or the bottom or sides of your shoes.

Rule 2, you must have watched "Back to the Future" the 1985 classic film. You must also be able to recognize Doc Brown, Marty McFly, and a DeLorean. This rule is simple and was determined by a expert panel of judges who unanimously agreed that the 116 minute adventure is essential for manism.

Rule 3 involves looks, normally a man is not judged on looks however, there are some appearance factors. To reach the state of manism one must have had, or attempted to have, a burly man beard on at least three occasions. I chose three because that's how many times I have watched Back to the Future in a 24 hour period. The outcome of the burly man beard attempt is irrelevant due to the fact that some people have an uncontrollable ability to grow patchy facial hair or a massive neck beard which is not ideal. The attempt alone is enough to push you in the direction of manism.
*Note a mustache is not considered a beard! Do not attempt to substitute a mustache for a beard to assume manism, it will not work and may cause your peers to assume you enjoy caressing small children.

The attached photo is Kimbo Slice once internet sensatioin backyard brawler, now professional fighter. Do not feel discouraged because his beard makes you look like Justin Bieber. It's a legitimate man beard.

Rule 3 This rule deals with anatomy. To reach manism, one must have, on numerous occasions, urinated outdoors. The reasons for peeing outdoors may or may not include: bathrooms were being used or unavailable, time constraints (urgent pee), or the simply fact that you have the anatomy that allows it. For the women who, against my recommendation, are still reading this, the rule does not apply to you. It applies to males only because we are higher on the evolutionary chart than you, simple Darwinism. If you happen to be of the female species and have urinated outside more than 3 times, you're gross and a truly hope it got on your shoes.
I do realize there are two rule 3's and I am ok with that because the traditional number system has no place in manism.

Rule 4 The honesty, action, and self-defense clause. The honesty portion of this rule comes into play when someone has something in their teeth, and or in their burly man beard. In manism it is quite ok to point out these incidents to the unaware party. If you feel an awkward sensation just prior to informing them you may not be ready for manism. Try saying something like this: "Excuse me sir/ma'am you have a good portion of your lunch in your beard/teeth." Due to karma, this act of manism kindness will eventually place you on the other end of the situation. In this case it is proper etiquette to firmly thank the informer. Similar rules apply when speaking to someone with bad breath.
The self-defense portion of this rule is only enforced to substitute for another previously unmet rule. Once in your life you must to look another man, of similar statue, directly in the face and then proceed to punch him in the head. This act can follow a string of curse words or offensive gestures, never a push. The punchie must be well deserving of the blow and the outcome of the ensuing fight will not limit or favor you in entering manism.

If while reading this you have had a flashback or loudly stated "indeed," you may well be on your way to becoming a man. There are other rules that may prevent or confirm your manism; but those you must figure out during your journey. To all who have already achieved this status, I solute you.

Grant.

There are aliens in Arizona and black oceans?

First of all I'd like to say fuck protesters in general. If you've protested something with a bunch of other needy scumbags just to make a lot of noise, and to try to convince people to change their mind you're foolish. Now that I have your attention, I'd like to add an amendment to that statement. If your protest involved something other than arts and crafts with a brightly colored piece of construction paper, you may get a pass. If you boycott a product in order to force someone to change their mind or just to target their beloved greed then i can understand your stance. But if you're just one of the hundreds of college kids, minorities, upset pro lifers, anti war, pro or anti gay sign holders that are doing nothing more than that, you should swallow a pitch fork covered in battery acid. What is yelling and holding a sign going to do to people who made a law? When is the last time some one said, "well there are a lot of people out there with signs we should probably do what they say"? Oh I remember, it was the 12th of never. So all the hundreds of people in Los Angels getting their Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. on with non violent protests against Arizona's sb1070 immigration law what are you helping? Even if it did come up in a political meeting, hundreds of miles away, guess what shit faces Arizona citizens have to vote on it. Not you LA protesters and especially not any people affected by the immigration law.

What I'm trying to get across here is this; protesting alone is like wiping before you poop, it makes no sense. If coupled with boycotts of products or something that will actually affect some one's money maybe they'll listen. Of course there is the more outlandish approach; in the words of Judah Uno, "If I blow up a gas station will they feel my indignation." Yes blowing something up will probably also get the attention of the people making the laws, but i will also get you 25 to life and a possible lead heart implant from a trigger happy Wal-Mart security guard. Am I for it or against it, I don't know. I'm sure they are not going to go around asking people like Steve Nash to see identification but that is not my point. My point is this, just because you can write your opinion in block letters on a piece of construction paper and stand with hundreds of other similarly skilled people in front of buildings containing fairly powerless people doesn't make you the next civil rights activist. Without other action, it makes you a fool.

My next point has to do with the black sea. Okay, not really the black sea but the Gulf of Mexico that is fairly black now with 200,000 gallons a day of oil leaking into the ocean. Shit like this happens all the time but these companies have so much money and pull that we don't hear about it. Yes this even is a little larger in scale but still effects the world in the same way. If you live under a rock, here is a link to an up-to-date story about the effects and initial occurrence BBC story>.

The thing that makes me want to kick random people in the balls is the fact that companies like BP are allowed to operate knowing things like this can happen without a sure fire plan to stop it. Yes I know there are accidents but there should be some type of policy that makes it harder for these things to happen without a 99% chance that catastrophic events can be stopped or at least have way to be stopped. Yes the oil is going to mess with a ridiculous amount of sea life, birds, and what not but it won't be the last time. Companies like this, especially in the oil industry can and have been greasing the pockets of politicians all over the world so the can continue to get rich and turn our oceans black with little regulations to stop them.

Yes this has been a rant and a tirade, but definitely not a protest. I have not done any arts and crafts making a sign and I have not stood in highly congested fool zones. These are issues that I have been hearing a lot about and this is my opinion. If you don't like it, fight me. =)

Grant W.